MM T 2770. Sketchbook

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MM T 2770, fol. 00-R

MM T 2770, fol. 01r

To be
burned

E. Munch

To be examined by
understanding and broadminded
friends after my death

Edvard Munch

MM T 2770, fol. 03r

    One day is like the next – my
friends have stopped coming – and why
should they come – they see that I cannot join
in their fun that their laughter
disturbs me – torments me –

    That their boisterous merriment makes me
nervous

    Goldstein  who held out the longest has
also stopped [coming] I had to lie down the last
time he was here – his flirtation with the girl
tormented me – so in a near rage
I finally told him to shut up –
he was not pleased –

MM T 2770, fol. 03v

    You must forgive me I said – but
you have no idea how agonising it is –
how I am tormented by the least sound –

    And he said not a word

    And I lay in angst – in angst of
a sudden noise – in angst of a chair –
in angst of something I could not name

    He left then and took my outstretched hand
– how clammy it is he said – you certainly
are a nervous wreck

    Come and see me again I said
But he did not return –

    My mother’s girlfriend – does not
come either – the one who used to look in on
me – she saw how it disturbed me
to speak – and how I longed for
her to leave –

    So where I am I see only people
whose language I do not understand –

    They observe me inquisitively –
my strange habits – my fastidiousness when it comes
to food – my sudden arrival and

MM T 2770, fol. 04r

my sudden disappearance from the restaurant
– But

    In the beginning
the chamber maid was often in my
room and we were barely able to comprehend
one another –

    She offered to teach me
I would then have to spend a lot of time with
her –

    Always together she said pointing to
the large wide bed –

    I waved it away as a joke –

    She came in often –
and began conversing –

    It was often a torment for me – so I said
I needed peace –
The next day she
told me – that I only had to

MM T 2770, fol. 04v

cross the hall – her door was open at
night – it was nice and warm in her
room she said –

    Then she became angry –
began to poke fun at – my
habits – that I drank spring water for my health

    Now she cleans around me without
saying a word – does everything the way she
knows I prefer – the way I like it

    I have stopped going to
entertainment establishments I had nervous attacks
every time [I went]

    And now the days pass one just like
the next –

    I entertain myself by taking time
with my toilette – make sure that I am always
soigné – that
my top hat sits properly on my head –

MM T 2770, fol. 05r

I do not know why I do it –
there is no one here I care to
make an impression on –

    My long regular walks
around the old castle
have become shorter and shorter – it wearies
me more and more to walk –

    The fire in the fireplace is
my only companion – the time
I spend in front of the fireplace
lasts longer and longer – it is
a good friend – it warms
my thin frozen blood –

    When the dusk settles
in the room – the coals
begin to glow and come alive in earnest – there is life
inside these glowing – coals –
there is movement in there – small creatures
– faces – soon a little shadow
falls on the face – then suddenly
it crackles – becomes blindingly white and
small creatures dance in its inner depths –

MM T 2770, fol. 05v

MM T 2770, fol. 06r

    When I suffer most acutely I lean my
head against the fireplace –

    an urge can then unexpectedly
rise up in me – kill yourself and it will be over
why go on living –
it is cowardly to live such a life
You will not live long in any case –
Why drag yourself through the world – with
this wretched body – with this
mess of medicines and this vigilant
caution – This is no
life

    But it lasts only a second – death
is abhorrent to me – I cannot endure the thought
that this flesh will begin to stink – that these
fingers will become stiff, blue.

    And life calls to you, in 2 months time
the summer evenings – it is possible that you
will be cured    Perhaps one more summer of sunny days

    And I love life life even when ill
– Summer days with the sun, with
the clatter in the street – the clatter of carriages

MM T 2770, fol. 07r

the dust in the street
the bustle of people on the sidewalk –
I love the sun that falls in through
the window – it cuts like a
white band of dust slanting down onto
the ochre coloured floor – and
leaves a little light-blue spot
on the edge of the sofa –

    And the Draperies that are drawn in by
a refreshing little breath of air – I love

    even the fever with its dreams –
the half-waking state – you see bowed
figures over you – it is they – father your sister – who
keep watch over you – you hear a word being whispered –
Walking in the moonlight in
the park – between the old moss-covered
images by which I have come to know each
of them now – I walk before my own
shadow –

    When I have ignited the light the lamp I suddenly
catch sight of – my enormous shadow
across half the wall all the way up to
the ceiling –

    And in the large mirror over the fireplace
I see myself – my own ghostly countenance

MM T 2770, fol. 08r

    And I live with the dead – my mother
my sister my grandfather and my father –
most of all with him – All of the memories the
smallest things – return –

    I see him as I saw him – the
last time when he bade me farewell
four months ago on the pier – we
were a little shy with one another – did
not wish to reveal how painful it actually
was to be separated – How we were fond of one another
after all – How he suffered for my sake
for my life – at night – because I could not
share his faith.

    Yesterday I had taken out
my old letters – I took a
a handful at random and looked through them – there were some
on red paper –
there were some from several women –
there were photographs

    I read here and there in the letters
There were some [written] in the same hand
– those with the oldest dates
– began with my own –
She was happy to receive my letters –

MM T 2770, fol. 09r

how wonderful it would be to meet

    In the last one – it stated –
From which I understand you would
rather not receive letters from me I
must tell you nevertheless that I was
quite ill last night and that I could
not get your visage out
of my head –

    I remember what I responded – I cannot love you – because of the other one

    I look at a photograph –
this bright – charming visage with
the spring smile – How pleasing she was
She was more beautiful than the other –
why could I not love her
Then I find a little soiled
slip of paper – with ink blotches
where it merely states –

    Darling

    Come tomorrow at 8 o’clock

    I leaned against my desk I
stared at each character of the alphabet – turned and
scrutinised the piece of paper – looked at each spot
as though to find marks left by her fingers

MM T 2770, fol. 10r

    It had been a long time since I had
thought about her – yet it [all] came back
What a deep impression she has
etched in my brain – that no
other image can completely crowd out –

    Was it because she was so much
more beautiful than the others

    No – I do not even
know whether she was beautiful – her
Mouth was large    She could be ugly
She the tall blond one – was much more beautiful
– and – with her delicate young
skin – the blond hair like a
waft of air breathed over the eyes
– her eyes appeared so devoted

MM T 2770, fol. 11r

    She was pretentious – lied –
the other one – a whore

    Was it because we had the same
convictions we did not even know
one another –

    And yet
Was it because she was the first one I
kissed that she took the scent of life from me –
– Was it because she lied – deceived –
that she one day unexpectedly removed the scales
from my eyes so that I saw the Medusa head –
– saw life as a great terror –
So that everything which before had had a rosy hue –
now appeared empty and grey –

    How bright it was out there – one
would think it was day – I always sleep with the drapes open
it is the moon that shines over the Seine
it sheds light into my room
through the windows

MM T 2770, fol. 12r

Casts a bluish
rectangle onto the floor –

    As I lay looking out other
images glided by – slightly blurred
like slides from a Laterna Magica

    It was like sunlight [on a] Sunday
morning – she had arrived –
I was on the other side of the fence –
as the year before – she
stood behind it –
I was in a wonderful mood – I looked at her
with a smile

    She appeared a bit tired a bit bored –

    I leaned against the fence –
And how is life treating you Madame,
well thank-you – she said squinting against the sun –
Her skin appeared grey and impure in the strong light
And You – Excellently – We are having
great fun here – You are in your dressing gown
I said – I looked at her and laughed –

MM T 2770, fol. 13r

much prettier – I thought
I turned my head – I discovered Madame M  further down the road

    – Well I should be going – I
am on my way down the road here – I appeared a little
secretive –
    She bent over and picked a flower
here would you like to have it –

    Thank-you I said taking it without
looking at it –

    Have a nice morning – we’ll be seeing each other
again I took my hat off with a deep bow.

    I met up with Madame M – how utterly
beautiful she was – How attractive
she was in her light summer outfit
– She strolled nonchalantly by my side a little
bowed in the neck – she resembled Madame Heiberg 
I thought yet prettier much prettier –

    I was accompanying her down to
the bathhouse as usual – we walked past

MM T 2770, fol. 14r

the house again –
I cast a quick glance at it
– I saw a glimpse of Madame Heiberg ’s
dress –

    We took the forest road – we talked
about all manner of things – terribly jolly

    Suddenly we hear a bellow –
It was the angry bull that belonged to the vicar –

    Madame M  was petrified –
Chase it away she said – it will kill
me –

    I had discovered
Madame Heiberg up on the slope –
she came carrying her bathing suit towards us

    I lifted my walking cane and took a
step in the direction of the bull – I saw that it
hesitated a bit – it was frightened –
I understood that there was no danger – I ran
after it – it emitted frightful bellows

MM T 2770, fol. 15r

and dashed off into the woods –
I ran after it much further than
I needed to –

    I returned to the ladies sweaty and warm
– Madame Heiberg   had come down [the hill] by now –
We walked down together – Madame M  and
I talked vivaciously together – Madame Heiberg
walked quietly by our side –

    We were at the bathhouse
The key hung high up – Madame Heiberg
could not reach it – Come Madame M I
said you weigh the least – I will lift You
up so You can reach it –

    She wrapped the dress tightly around her –
I flung my arms around her thighs –
and lifted her up making a
tremendous spectacle – She squealed and
laughed I felt her soft arm around
my neck How we enjoyed ourselves –

    Now you take care of my parasol
said Madame M – That’s an order –
she gestured threateningly with her hand
Madame Heiberg was irritated Hurry up she said

MM T 2770, fol. 16r

I lay down in the grass a short distance
away, they were getting
undressed I saw that there was movement in there
Suddenly the entire little window was filled with
something luminous

    – Madame Heiberg  stood gazing at me
naked
Motionless like a statue – with her hair flowing down
over her naked bosom
They went out into the water
– Madame Heiberg had a bright red bathing suit
The other a white one
I followed them with my eyes
– compared them as they entered
into the water –
Madame M  rocked with her great hips as she
waded out – How she laughed and splashed
– I went up to them
as they were coming out
– we walked a short distance
then Madame Heiberg suddenly exclaimed

    I have forgotten the key – it is
in the door on the inside – She looked at me – come
with me she said – to assist me

    Well I said – and went with her

    We worked on the lock for a while – our
hands touched –

    I went inside to take out the key

MM T 2770, fol. 17r

she followed me – the door slid
halfway shut behind her

    We said nothing – we gazed at each other –
I could see that she wanted [a reconciliation]
I felt my features stiffen – all the
suffering she had caused me welled up
in me – Let us go I said –
How I wished for it to torment her

    We walked quietly together – the
others walked ahead of us – She
drew the wool kerchief up around her neck
up to her mouth – I knew the
kerchief well from evenings in the past

    She was freezing after the swim and had a
haggard appearance –

    We said nothing for a long time – she walked
there bowed by my side –

    Well I said – so that is how it ended –
She did not respond

MM T 2770, fol. 17v

    Well you do remember that we
knew each other – well last winter

    Of course she responded hesitantly

MM T 2770, fol. 18r

    Why didn’t you come I said –
I had made everything so nice
for You up at my place – why did you make a fool
of me –

    That is not true – it was not
the day I was supposed to come –

    How she lies I thought
It is strange how it could cease
so abruptly that love of Yours I
said – all of a sudden around Christmas
when did it actually cease I said as I gazed at her
Oh it lasted for a long long time after that
she said –

    She said it so forlornly – it was
as though she wished to reproach me now

    You have no idea how beautifully I had
prepared everything for You I said

    Who was the lucky one then she
said – I thought I heard her sigh –

    I began to think that I had been
mistaken – Then the memory returned of the thousand
stabs of pain in the heart the hatred 

MM T 2770, fol. 19v

    How brave you were she said.
I saw from up on the hill how
You chased the bull – Ha I thought
you just want to placate me – And you think
that I chased it for your sake so that you should witness it

    I knew that it was not dangerous I
retorted dryly – I have encountered it before

MM T 2770, fol. 20r 

towards this woman returned –
it made my rage
all the greater – that you continue to love her despite this
I smiled – secretively
as though another woman
had come to visit me –

    Let us join the others I said –
I hurried ahead –

    There stood Madame M  radiant – in her
bébé hat – the white ribbons billowing in a
little breeze – I walked up
to her smiling
went up close to her and
we approached the house jesting with one another

    Yet during the entire afternoon at home
I was morose and irritable –

    That night the somewhat sad
visage of Madame Heiberg  appeared before me –
Why did you not kiss her in there –
perhaps she still loves you – after all

MM T 2770, fol. 20v

    The sky was overcast – the moon shone through the clouds
– I had spent
the entire day – together with Madame M  – I
had accompanied her to her gate –
I returned home – walked by Madame
Heiberg ’s house –

    The house was dark amidst
the trees – it was gloomy in there in the garden now –
– in there under the tree by the gate where we
used to take leave of – one another last year
We held each other’s hands for such a long time –

    I remembered her arm as she held
my hand it was exposed up to the elbow –
it was round and glowed in the dark –

    All of the windows are closed and the door as well
– the windows downstairs are dark –
but up there a light shines    I wonder if she
has gone to bed –

    I was near the house –
The window opened – a shiny yellow light
poured out into the great blue darkness –
and something moved up there – something red and dazzlingly
white moved –

    And he saw the outline of a head –

    Good evening – he heard and then a little laugh

    He stopped    Who is it – he said – he
pretended not to recognise her –

    Do you not recognise me she said –
Her voice was as it had been before – soft and affectionate
As though nothing had come between
them

    And once again I thought about what I had speculated about a hundred
times – was it the fault of your stupidity – was it you or she who
broke it off – had she loved you after all – was it you who
had driven her away – 

MM T 2770, fol. 21r

    The room lies in pitch black darkness – yet
it quivers and sparkles – A weak greyish
strip in the opening between the draperies

    I am working in my studio in the morning
extend my arm out and measure with
my pencil the proportions of the body of the
naked model who stands in the middle of the studio
How many heads fit into the
body     how wide is the chest in relation
to the length of the body.

    It bores and tires me – dulls my senses

    We are done – I put on my
galoshes – then my coat and coil
my scarf snugly around my neck and then
walk bent over to the restaurant
to have lunch.

    I look for something that agrees
with my stomach – Jean  with his apron and
slanting eyes bustles about –
with bottles and dishes completely deranged
– Little by little all the familiar
faces arrive the cheerful

MM T 2770, fol. 22r

French sculptor with the coconut face
and the little swarthy chap with his
pallid mistress – All of my comrades
have arrived – how merry they are how
they can laugh –

    We have finished – my comrades take leave
boisterously –

    I have once again struggled with my coat, scarf
and galoshes –

    The entire afternoon I sit with
my feet close to the fireplace    stare into
the embers until my eyes sting.

    The days pass in this way

    The Seine lay white in the sunlight with
its many arched bridges – on one
side all of the villas in Aniers  on the
other side cranes and factories.

    How brightly the villas sparkled and gleamed

MM T 2770, fol. 22v

even in the shadows there was something of the
Elation of the blue sky.

    A railway train hastened over the nearest
bridge – leaving behind transparent white
smoke – which caused the buildings behind it to quiver

    Then all became still again
in the white sunlight.

    It grew dark once more – a quivering
sparkling darkness – the strip between
the draperies was slightly lighter

    I pressed my face into the pillow
How delightful life was

MM T 2770, fol. 23r 

    Oh yes now I can see who it is
I said –

    She had actually awaited him
– made sure to catch him as he passed by –

    I was about to invite her to come
down – That soft voice emanating from up there – and the light
with all of these colours that poured out into the darkness made me
indecisive so that I impulsively said good evening –
to You Madame – greeted her – and left in haste
A short distance from the house I regretted it

    I looked back – I saw
the shadow up there in the window – should I
go back – Then I heard a little bang
the window was shut – and a shade was pulled
down – it was too late

    But she loves me – otherwise she would
not have waited for me – does she love me alone or both of us

    In the end I spent the entire day together with
Madame M  – I began her
Portrait arrived at appointed hours in the
morning – Now I knew for sure – that it must torment
Madame Heiberg  –

    Madame Heiberg was always out on the veranda
or in the garden when I passed by –

    I greeted her exchanged a few
words about inconsequential things – was more indifferent than ever

MM T 2770, fol. 25r

    There was slush – one could hear
the slap of galoshes and heavy boots
upon the sidewalk which was full of sludge and
rough patches of ice –

    There were crowds of people –
ladies white and anaemic after balls
and from spring fever –

    Their outfits a monotonous black –

    Brandt   wandered sluggishly up [the street] warm sickly and stooped
with a white scarf around his long neck

MM T 2770, fol. 26r

He was in the narrow section
of Karl Johan  street by the Post Office

    Way up there, by the corner
stood Madame Heiberg  in her little short
velvet jacket with the white fur –
Isn’t it sweet she had once
asked him –

    She stood still and gazed down
the street – then she disappeared suddenly
into the other street –

    She is avoiding me now thought
Brandt  –

    He was right by the corner –
when she suddenly steps
forward – she had been waiting for him –

    He cut across the street instinctively
– without thinking –

    He rejoiced inside over the scorn
he so scathingly had shown her and

MM T 2770, fol. 26v

and at the same time he was furious – too
How very strongly he wished
to speak with [her] – how many
times had he longed for such an
opportunity

    How he wished that he had
gone over to her –

    It was early – the large
illuminated hall was practically empty –
There were only a few people wearing masks who walked about in there
One could hear singing People were coming up the stairs
in a stream – Ladies in overcoats and veils
– underneath one could glimpse the glitter of their masks
and ball gowns.

    A young girl walked up to him

MM T 2770, fol. 27r

pale monk  – do You recognise
me – he heard a woman’s voice
– No he did not – then she
disappeared with a little laugh –

    The ballroom became more and more full –

    But there was no life to the party as yet –
everyone stood still – or paced back and
forth.

    Harlequins and buffoons walked sedately
about studying the decorations with deep concentration –

    A little sprightly schoolgirl came
up to him – she was positively full of life    hello monk
she said and struck him in the abdomen – it
had to be Miss Hals  –

    He longed to find her
he did not want to look unhappy this evening
– he wanted terribly to enjoy himself –

    It seems she had not yet arrived
– should he speak to her –
Should he approach her – playfully
Lovely lady [do you wish to] confess – she finally suspects

MM T 2770, fol. 27v

who he is – then she confesses to him
and tells him that she only loves  … 
– and then they go together
to a side room and there [he] removes
his hood and kisses her –

    Ha ha ha – he is awoken [from his reverie] – – it
was a little buffoon – you are certainly easy
to recognise pale mask –

    Then he disappeared –

    There was Løchen he was
Hamlet  – he
had made an effort to appear as
handsome as possible – He
did look good – the pale knightly visage
against the black costume

    And there by his side was his Ophelia –
his wife.

    Good day

    When (A quote from Hamlet)
“That’s a fair thought to lie between
maids’ legs”

MM T 2770, fol. 28r

    It began to get warm now –
and the ballroom was nearly full –

    I wonder if she has arrived –
He scrutinized everyone –

    There they were the two of them over there
beneath the column both she and her husband
– He was a prince and
wore a helmet and large
sword by his side – she a princess –

    They stood still side by side
observing – He walked by so near
that he brushed against her – she looked at him
had she recognised him –

    He observed them as he walked
back and forth among the masks –

    There were three of them over there now – a tall page

MM T 2770, fol. 28v

with a plume and a knight’s cape over his shoulders

    – He is conversing with the princess
leans down towards her –

    How beautifully she has arranged everything
said Brandt  contemptuously –

    “A princess in love with her page”

    But the prince – does he not have
eyes – what if you walked over and whispered
a few words to him –

    Brandt looked around for the schoolgirl –
He could not find her
a couple walked past him

    It was the princess who was
leaning into the tall
page – who bends over her whispering

    They walk towards the door –
He follows them with his gaze

    sees the bowed neck which
he has kissed so many times
and the naked white arm which
is clasped onto his

    She turns around suddenly he

MM T 2770, fol. 29r

feels her gaze through the black mask –
she smiles and nods –

    It was so empty now
in the ballroom –

    Then he ran into the little schoolgirl who
had spoken to him earlier –

    Are you unhappy – monk  she asked
Me he said unhappily – far from it – – I
on the contrary

    Come pretty girl – come and make your confession
to me –

    He walked with her behaving frivolously –
down the staircase into the side rooms
into the buffet [they] drank together

    The entire time he was looking for the
two of them – peering in every corner –

    If only she saw them so merry together –

    Then the little girl disappeared
she had grown tired of him –

MM T 2770, fol. 29v

    Where could they be – he was once
again upstairs in the ballroom to see if they had
come back – no they are surely sitting
in some dark corner somewhere –

    He descended the staircase again went
all the way to the bottom then peeked into all
of the corridors and niches – they were nowhere to be
seen – How abandoned and
unhappy he felt

    Up in the ballroom the dance was
in full swing – Brandt  had encountered
the little page dressed in blue – He had guessed
who it was – it was the lovely Miss
Asbjørnsen  – who had come up to
his studio –

    It was the française

    They joined a little square [contredance] –
They jested and laughed as they danced
Brandt always made mistakes when dancing – but
it only increased the fun –

    You dance poorly Brandt he

MM T 2770, fol. 30r

heard someone by his side say –

    He could not recognise her
This woman with the lovely hips
and the white swelling breasts –

    He went right up to her
who are you that has such a beautiful
voice – she laughed
– now you are ruining the whole française she
said and nudged him back
One finished the dance in complete
confusion –

    He followed her –
and offered his arm – he pressed
the exquisite white arm into him
– and he admired the high bosom the dress
was extremely low-cut –

    She would not say who she
was – he wondered if

MM T 2770, fol. 30v

her face was as beautiful as
the rest – Her laughter was young
and delightful –

    It soothed his torment to look
at such luscious flesh and feel these
hips against his – and it pleased
him that Madame Heiberg  should
see how natural his merriment
was – But he did not see her

    He was alone once more – and a feeling of
emptiness came over him again –

    He met Jæger  down on the stairs
– and they went together down to the buffet

    A Highball Jæger –

    I have read your book Jæger –

    Well what do you think

    brilliant – No other book has
made such an impression on me –

    Brandt  was a little drunk now and
he lay his arm around Jæger it is – brilliant – very
His voice was shrill – the words ran

MM T 2770, fol. 31r

    One more Highball Jæger  – he had
discovered the princess with her page
over there – he emptied the glass
in one swig –

    You are certainly happy this evening
Brandt  – and there is your girl as well
he pointed to a cluster of
young gentlemen – The Pistol queen stood there
unmasked – my unknown acquaintance –

    She is delightful said Jæger –
the young fresh face –

    Yes isn’t she delightful –
– look at that mouth
and those eyes and how she
rocks her hips – don’t You agree –

    Shall we not address one another informally – Brandt
And they made a toast to it – that book of yours
Jæger

MM T 2770, fol. 31v

    Bødtker  came over to them –
Listen Brandt  my cousin Miss
Drefsen  would like to speak to you
he saw the pistol queen
look over at him and smile – he smiled
as well – How lovely it was that face

    I recognised You easily I have
seen You so many times in
the street

    – He offered her his arm – How
amusing it is he said not to
be disappointed once the masks have been shed
He looked admiringly at her
Fresh complexion –

    Shall we dance she said
I do not dance

    Oh yes With me you will –

MM T 2770, fol. 32r

    She drew him up towards the ballroom
He leaned towards her
You cannot imagine how happy
I am that I have met
You this evening    I was having such a boring
time – And as for me I have so
many times wished to make your acquaintance –
They walked pressed closely together
he clasped her naked arm
to him – He was warm from
the wine and the delightful naked shapes
– that were visible to him at such close proximity
How they joked and laughed – hers
was so contagious – He had to
laugh along – Why are
You laughing she said – It is because I am
so happy he said gazing into
her eyes – these clear large
eyes – that looked so devotedly into his
The Heiberg  s are sitting over there

MM T 2770, fol. 32v

let us go – he looked over there
she sat with her husband [and] the Lieutenant

    He saw her face aimed in
his direction – she appeared
pale and sad –

    It serves her right she
wanted it to be this way

    He was content that
she saw him like this – as he
walked there so happily by
Miss Drefsen ’s side

    Yes let us go – she drew him
downstairs again –

    How handsome that captain Heiberg  is
I danced the first waltz with him
he dances so exquisitely
and his wife is simply stunning
He has promised to introduce
me to her – Do you not think
she is pretty –

    Oh sure – she still has her good looks
Come let us drink some wine

MM T 2770, fol. 33r

    Brandt   had never behaved
as he has this evening – he who was normally
so shy in front of ladies – He spoke
incessantly – gave her compliments
– and he could see that she liked him
a lot – she was having such fun she said
He noticed the
attention she attracted he saw his
acquaintances sending him envious
glances – He also received requests
to be presented to her
But she was not interested
she said –
I am tired she said to several
who invited her to dance – And when
on one single occasion she went off
with a gentleman – she returned
very soon to his side – Shall we [dance] then
he said I dance poorly    it does not

MM T 2770, fol. 33v

matter    they ascended the stairs once more

    Why there is captain Heiberg 
and his wife said Miss Drefsen  – suddenly

    He did not look up, clasped
her even more closely to him –

    They were abreast of each other on
the stairs Permit me to introduce
my wife Miss Drefsen

    What a lovely
brooch you have said Madame Heiberg 

    She had this strange sad
smile – that he recognised so well
her voice was so tender –

    There was a little pause
the conversation would not continue as before

    Let us dance he said and
he grabbed her around the waist and
verily threw himself into the dance
The Music and all of the colourful costumes flashed by him

    He hardly knew where he was

    You dance exquisitely
he heard Miss Drefsen say

    It is Madame Heiberg’s waltz

MM T 2770, fol. 34r

She offered him a
ride with her and her cousin
They sat inside the dark carriage
She said that she had never had such a good
time as this evening and he said he
would never forget this evening –
Outside he could see the sheen
of the light-coloured trousers the workers wore
on their way to work

    Adieu then
We shall see each other again tomorrow

    They lingered as they held each other’s
hands.

    She is far more beautiful than Madame Heiberg 
he thought – younger and with a trusting air
I am fond of her – he said
to himself – I am tired of Madame Heiberg
now he can have her that Lieutenant – yet –

    Why – was he not quite happy
He found a yellow rose made of fabric in his
pocket – he fell into a reverie – Had Madame Heiberg
put it there in all secrecy? – No –
it was probably the one in the carriage he thought to himself
a little disappointed

MM T 2770, fol. 35r

    He stood on Karl Johan street 
with Krag and –

    There comes Lilly 
Brandt  turned around –

    There she came down the street
How yellow and poorly
she [looked]– Brandt actually felt
compassion – then he thought
it serves her right –
Poor Lilly – now she
no longer has Brandt either
said Krag    Oh well he said
looking at Brandt –

    I have put the Lilly period behind
me a long time ago –
Whom will she have now I wonder

MM T 2770, fol. 36r

    Who are you looking for
said Miss Drefsen  – She walked up to
him – Oh there you are Good Evening
Thank you for a wonderful time yesterday – it was of course
you I was looking for – Now we shall have
a good time – He lied it was Madame Heiberg 
he had been looking for

    He was a little disappointed – she was wearing
a grey dress – she was not as
pretty this evening –

    Come let us drink wine he
said – And we can invite Rocker  along
he and his wife are over there –

    They walked together as a group and found
a table –

    Let us have wine – said Brandt  lots of it
Now we are going to do some serious drinking said Rocker 
rubbing his hands together

    Brandt sat down next to [him]

MM T 2770, fol. 36v

They were soon half drunk –
There was laughter and loud conversation
They were making a great stir at that
table – Nowhere was the laughter
louder or – the merriment greater
Brandt  flirted with Miss
Rocker , and he gazed into her
eyes as though he wished to tell
her how much he loved her –

    Look how Brandt is flirting
with my cousin said Rocker 

    Have you planned to get
married – cheers then – Brandt and Miss
Rocker –

    Cheers Cheers – general merriment
Madame Rocker  laughed most of all –
Brandt noticed that
people were looking over at them –

    He saw Madame Heiberg ’s sister sitting

MM T 2770, fol. 37r

over there –
The student Harbitz was holding her
hand –

    She will be sure to tell her thought Brandt 
 …  the sister –

    He was not so in love with
Miss Rocker  today he felt –
But he was fond of her –
she had such lovely
eyes

    More wine said Brandt –
He took a bill
out of his waistcoat pocket – it was what was left of
the Schäffer grant 

    Are you so well off said Miss Rocker
No I am as poor as a church mouse
The table was full of empty
and half-empty bottles

MM T 2770, fol. 37v

The whole room was full of tobacco smoke
It was packed with people
People were dancing the française
right next to them –
Rocker  was completely drunk, white in the face and the hair on his forehead
hung down over his eyes – Don’t you think my wife
is pretty – he asked Brandt  – Brandt did not respond
– he had discovered
Madame Heiberg  – she was walking towards
them together with some gentlemen –

    He was not angry with her
no he became so strangely
moved by that lovely pale head
engulfed in the tobacco smoke – He
followed her with his eyes – without hatred
without bitterness she had lain against his breast
– she had [uttered] bewitching words in his ears –
she had taught him about love –
– and maybe maybe it had been his fault after all

    She sat down on the
other side without having seen him –

    Why are you looking over there said Miss Rocker 
Brandt  became embarrassed –
I am just observing a contrast of colours
he said – Cheers Miss Rocker

MM T 2770, fol. 38r

    Cheers to all the beautiful women –
he proclaimed with forced gaiety
He rested his arm next to hers
But he had to look once more
in the other direction –

    He
encountered a pale – seemingly
dismayed visage – She nodded as though
in reproach –

    Brandt  let his gaze rest in
hers –
He wanted
to rest his head in her
lap and weep – and tell her he loved
only her

    He pulled himself together and
spoke again with the others
when he again looked in the direction of the wall
he saw Madame Heiberg  rise
quickly and leave – as though
she suddenly felt unwell 

MM T 2770, fol. 39r

    What melancholy such evenings provoke – this
light that dwindles and the downy spring air –
 …  how beautiful it is – Paris in this light blue mantle
and the Seine and the gas lanterns that flicker

    – Yet how sad – I feel like weeping –
shouting loudly

    We sat at a table by one of the large windows
that reached all the way down to the floor

    An expensive place this – well OK take it
with dignity –

    2 beefsteaks –

    That girl is certainly divine – look at those eyes – and that
high bust –

    I wonder if she is a cocotte

    most likely –

    She is terribly coquettish would rather
be together with us it seems than with that boring bloke

    If only we had a girl –
yes you have a point

MM T 2770, fol. 39v

    I am nervous – cannot bear to sit any longer
I will go downstairs and wait until you are finished

    I went downstairs – up and down – I understood

    It would take a long time

    I went up to my room    lit the lamp
thought of going to bed

    Munch – I heard Goldstein  downstairs
come along we are going to my
place it is warm there

    I don’t know I thought I would go to bed

    No come along

    Well one second

    Isn’t it elegant –

    Yes but I don’t know it seems somehow fake
– look at all the dust in the corners – and
There is something [about it] that reminds me of dressed up
maids – or dirty gloves

    Yes – I have had the same thought too

MM T 2770, fol. 40r

    It is actually hideous here –
those two candles over there the table under the
huge red drapery – it looks like a
altar –

    Ugh I – feel uncomfortable here I think I will
go –

    I stood up –

    Goldstein  took the candles and placed them on the table
in the middle there that is better – sit down
no I am leaving

    I wish I had a girl

    Why don’t you get married Munk 

    Why don’t you

    The girl I can marry I am
weary of –

    Me too –

    Goldstein leaned back on the sofa and
his gaze turned inward behind his lorgnette
What if I sent for Olga  in a missive –

    How much hurt I have subjected her to    All of the
the vile things I have done –
because of the other one – only

MM T 2770, fol. 40v

    Why are we living –

    Because we don’t dare to die

    There is something in what
the Bible says about punishment in the hereafter

    There You are mistaken –
A bad conscience that it what it means it
is a result of development and developments –
You know what my mind is too empty to
begin philosophising

    Oh how divine she was the one  … 
with the sensuous large lower face and
with hair yellow like spun  … 

    Did she have a large mouth – no did
you think so  … 

    Yes –

    All of the vile things I did –
the suffering that was intended for
her went to others    Poor Olga 

MM T 2770, fol. 41r

because I was jealous – of the first one
she, the other one, without fault had to suffer

    Who was he

    Oh Oh He was a – an Attaché
He stressed the ché with a sneer
He lay with his head down  … 
his Jewish physiognomy was so obtrusive
He was one of those with a fine hat the triangular type

    I laughed loudly – an attaché

    Why are you laughing he said offended

    – Oh I couldn’t help laughing – you pronounced
Attaché with such a comical
grimace –

    Well I can assure you I am not the
least bit jealous now – you really
must not delude yourself

    Oh well –

    Let us leave it is really hideous here

    Walking through the restaurant

    We jested a little with the girl

MM T 2770, fol. 41v

    We were up at my place –
I don’t know it is not exactly
pleasant here either –
No we should have a girl with us – Tell me
have you never taken that girl
home with you
No that dreadful tart –
Let us place the lamp there now
it seems a little more pleasant –
Tell me is it your nerves
again that must be a bother –

    Yes you must forgive me but
I cannot help it –

    We sat quietly – for a While
We could see the Seine through the windows – like
a ribbon of blue – on the other side – flickering
gas flames and there were lights in the windows –

    I am tired I think I will go to bed
Goldstein  stood in the doorway – in total
silence – what the hell is he mad –

MM T 2770, fol. 42r

– then I heard a strange sound –
the door out there in the hall – it banged
with regular rhythmic blows – it did
not cease – it kept up continuously
We said nothing
Goldstein  stiffened as he stood there –
We could now hear that it was the railway
that was eerie we both said
simultaneously –

    Goldstein stood down on the stairs
there is something absolutely
eerie about this whole day –

    Yes I said – you probably won’t be
alone tonight – it escaped out
of my mouth –

    In two leaps he was – on top of me
his hands around my neck –
pressing me into me –

    Was he mad –

    He let me go finally

    He had a deranged expression on his face

MM T 2770, fol. 42v

    Good evening he said and then he
left in a hurry

    I met him the next day –
Tell me I said    what was going on with
you when you jumped on me
last night –

    I wanted to kill you he said
I thought it was so deliberately
spiteful of you when you said that
I would not be alone – just that –
mysteriously not alone –      –

    Well, then I am insane
I said

    Yes there is insanity in the family

MM T 2770, fol. 43r 

    Brandt  could not bear to
sit any longer – I am going out for a bit he
said –

    He had had a lot to drink
All of the faces around him danced
before his eyes – as though in a haze
He walked up the stairs – with his
hands in his pockets – there was a burning
sensation in his head –

    Was it his intention to look
for her? he did not know – he
thought it felt good to get away from the
others to be alone for a while.

    He staggered a little
on his way up the stairs – someone stumbled over his feet

    He was by the door of the
large hall – the strong light – hurt
his eyes he had to squint – all of these
colours were swimming before his eyes –
White-shirted chests and black gowns – and illuminated  … 

MM T 2770, fol. 43v

    They were playing Kiss Waltzes and everyone was
dancing in the middle – a great moving mass – heads
bobbed up and down in between ladies apparel
a bald head glistened –

    And there in the doorway a few steps
away from him – she stood watching
him with a smile –

in the midst of the spinning chaos of
colours that encircled her head
like a halo –

    And then they stood together – right next to
one another – he looked into her
green eyes with the green nuances – saw the little spot of light under
the lush eyelids – the pupil was so tiny the light and  …  her mouth
was so close to him –

    She spoke to him – her voice arrived
as though from afar a little indistinct –
when the music swelled

    What have you done with your
young lady she queried –

    Oh I do not know he said –

    She was lovely yesterday she said
but not so pretty today –
She was a little jealous after all [I] thought

MM T 2770, fol. 44r

    He noticed that the Lieutenant was
annoyed – attempted to interfere in the conversation
but she did not listen to him

    Brandt  he was happy because of it –
She looks like you he said – I
said that to her yesterday
it was the greatest compliment
I could utter –

    He was not angry at her now –
the Lieutenant also stood there – but
he did not care – he forgave
her – if only she would love him –

    Oh the bird – it is at home
now –

How long ago it was
you said – you seem to be longing – too
He felt that people were looking at him – he was drunk after all

    Her husband came over – Lilly  we
must leave now –

    Up in the gallery –
she said half whispering – she pointed upwards  …  he had heard

    He wandered into the hall
Would she meet him up there –

    No it could not be so
She just wanted to get him to  …  – he was drunk after all

    You are late he said – have You been to a concert
Yes – she said – he knew that she had first been at the Lieutenant’s
– and then they had gone to the concert – how long ago it had been

MM T 2770, fol. 44v

    He encountered Miss Drefsen  she
had been looking for him –

    Where have you been she said
– I was not able to find
You he said – they strolled around the
room – People were beginning to leave
now – in the entrance hall one saw glimpses
of white fur being slung
over naked shoulders –
One saw turned-up Collars
and top hats –

    A cold draft emanated from
the staircase –

    By the gallery stairs he encountered
Madame Heiberg  – she had
been up in the gallery –

    Her husband stood waiting
for her impatiently with her
outer clothing –

    She had actually wanted
to meet him – after all –

MM T 2770, fol. 45r

    But that is a pleasure she will
not experience – knowing that she has managed to destroy me –
– he thought for a moment – but am I
destroyed? – Far from it it will soon pass
– destroyed because of her? – No she would
see him more cheerful than ever – he
would work – she will see his
name in the newspaper – people will speak of
him –

    I was 13 years old and she 14
She was well developed for her age
– shapely   Her eyes blue and kind
and her mouth sensuous

    I had never spoken to her
She was my sister’s girlfriend –
My sister had once
“presented” me to her – but
I had turned away immediately

MM T 2770, fol. 45v

    Then we would meet one another
in the street – she would sometimes
blush – when we had to pass by
one another – we each turned our
heads away – but when we walked on
separate sidewalks we kept an eye on
each other –

    My sister was 15 years old –
She had acquired “girlfriends” – They
had fancy parasols – and their
dresses had a certain cut to them –
They walked arm in arm – casually
and lingered on street corners –

    My sister had a shabby
violet dress – which had a
lighter shade of colour
where the sun had shone –

    Her girlfriends knew
so many young chaps –

    At the [dinner] table she recounted
what Miss Greenhild  had

MM T 2770, fol. 46r

said and how Miss Brandt  behaved
to Mr. Nilsen  –

    And how courteously he always behaved
towards – her girlfriends

    I once heard
the young Petersen   – say Miss to
Sofie   and [he] had bowed
so deeply at the same time –

    We imitated him – my
sister turned crimson –

    My sister was going for a walk
with her girlfriends    the youngest
Miss Greenhild  was also going
with them – I wanted to go along but was too
ashamed to be seen with
“girls”    I decided to
go along at the last second

MM T 2770, fol. 46v

    I greeted the girls
with painful shyness – I took care
to always be as far away from
her as possible –
walked mostly a few steps behind [them]

    It was warm out – the ladies
opened their parasols pink and
white – My sister opened
hers as well – it was an
old black [one] with fringes – the handle
had been broken once –
the pieces were joined together –

    Edvard here – take my shawl
I was astonished    she had never
asked me to do something like that before –

    No thank you I said curtly
My sister turned red

    I wanted to offer my help but
felt ashamed

MM T 2770, fol. 47r

    You should see how courteous – Miss
Greenhild ’s brother is – she
whispered to me. Gentlemen always
hold ladies’ clothes –
Shortly after I went over to her
Let me take it then – I said self-consciously
It makes no difference now she said
I could see that she was ashamed in front of her girlfriends
How I longed to exchange a few
words with Miss Greenhild –

    Up in the woods we played hawk and
dove  – I managed to catch
Miss Greenhild once –
But when I started
to speak the words got stuck in
my throat –

    The ladies had sat down in the grass
and were arranging flowers –

    I summoned courage and went straight over to Miss Green 
Would You like some pine cones – I pointed up
at a very large spruce
She said thank-you and blushed –

MM T 2770, fol. 47v

    I climbed up the tree and
threw pine cones down – she stood
below catching them –

    Emma  and Edvard – Edvard
and Emma – they are in love
I could heard from below – it  …  was
Miss Dyste  – she sang while she
picked flowers – I

    I crawled into the thick
foliage  and hid – light-headed from bashfulness
and burnished red in the face
and did not throw down any more pine cones down

    The next day Petter Hansen  made
fun of me because I had joined the
girls – and I was terribly ashamed

MM T 2770, fol. 48r

    He lay on the sofa half
dozing in the afternoon – the entire
room was bathed in sunlight – there was a glimmer in the
gold frames – and the legs of the table –
A little ray of sun fell
on his nose – on the bright red cushion
under his head – his father who sat
writing over there – was merely a blue-grey
silhouette – on top
of the bald crown – the light
bounced off in beams
Outside the carriages clattered –

    He had finally met
her – He was so confident – a little weak
as after a shock

MM T 2770, fol. 48v

    He had been walking on Karl Johan
street  the entire morning until dinnertime
– when he encountered her with
a girlfriend – She was wearing
a yellow dress a bit rigid in its folds
she had something queen-like
in her demeanour – How refined
He knew she was going
home now to have dinner –
should he follow her – until
her girlfriend parted with her –
he must speak to her
– one more day without having spoken

MM T 2770, fol. 49r

to her was unbearable
he decided to hire a carriage – drive
another way down Karl Johan 
and across the new bridge
over Akerselven  –
in order to meet her –

    He had the carriage stop a short distance
from her house –

    By the entrance he encountered
her husband –
– as he entered into it – they
nodded to one another – the captain in
his elegant manner –

    And then he caught sight of her
golden neck in the streetcar – she had also
discovered him – as he stood there bewildered –
she had pulled the cord so the streetcar stopped
and she stood outside it waving to

MM T 2770, fol. 49v

him    They had sat side by
side in there – they
had obviously conversed together
but he remembered almost nothing –

    He could remember
the warm yellow colour of her dress –
he had felt her face
against him and the golden neck –
that the sun shone on –

    And there was a fragrance –
her perfume and  …     He remembered
she asked him to sit closer he felt her
 …  touch his thigh

    He had stared
senselessly at her bust – upon
which an occasional ray of sun fell
when she leaned backwards in the streetcar
In the end he had stared and

MM T 2770, fol. 50r

stared at a yellow flower on her breast of
the same colour as the fabric – stared
almost idiotically at the same spot –
And then she had taken it out
of the Buttonhole and given it to him –
He could also remember – some
faces that were turned towards him –
the flat pale face of an old woman wearing a
white scarf with red spots –
They appeared to be inquisitive
but what did he care about that –

    Then the streetcar had stopped
– Come and visit me tomorrow at 12 o’clock
she had said as she got off –
He was surprised that she
dared to say it out loud –

    He had remained sitting
in the streetcar until the
very last stop – he felt so confident
so happy    tomorrow 12 o’clock

MM T 2770, fol. 50v

    And he had arrived home
late for dinner –

    (Where have you been ‹Petra ›
asked –

    I have been out making
sketches –

    What a shame you will have cold food
Are you finished with the picture?

    Which one?

    Are you finished with the picture)

    They had spoken to [him] so many
times without him hearing –
They had to continuously repeat themselves –
He spoke mechanically.

MM T 2770, fol. 51r

    Silly man You naturally did not
think of stopping the streetcar – she
had said as they went in –

    They had sat next to one another
– had spoken together – about what?
he could not remember – He
only remembered how the sun shone through the streetcar windows and nearly blinded him the warm yellow colour
of her dress – the golden
neck he sensed by his side –
and her smile when she now and then
leaned towards him –

    And he remembered the movement of her hand
when she swept her dress aside
and invited him to sit closer

    He had felt her dress
against his thigh – and smelled
the air
filled with the scent of Eau de Cologne and flowers

    He had stared senselessly
at her breast – upon which

MM T 2770, fol. 51v

an occasional ray of sun fell when she
leaned backwards in the streetcar.

    In the end he had stared and stared at
a yellow flower of the same shade
as the dress – stared
almost idiotically at the same spot –

    Then she had taken it
out of the buttonhole and placed
it in his hand

    He could also remember
some faces in the streetcar that were
turned towards them – the
flat pale face of an old woman – wearing a white
scarf with red spots on her head –

    She appeared to be inquisitive – what did
he care about that –

    Then the streetcar had stopped
Come and visit me tomorrow at 12 o’clock
she had said as she offered
him her hand in farewell –

MM T 2770, fol. 52r

    He had been a little surprised
that she had dared to say it
out loud –

    He remained sitting in the streetcar
until the last stop – is nearly beside
himself
– there was only one thing
that remained clear to him – tomorrow
tomorrow I shall go to her
and he felt very confident and happy

MM T 2770, fol. 52v

    He had dressed up – put on a new
collar – removed a few spots from his trousers –
had combed and smoothed his hair
and then changed his hairstyle once more –

    He stood in the entryway – it
was too early – he did not wish
to go up now so as not to run into the husband

    He waited – he spotted him
in the entranceway – he stood still for a
second pulling on his gloves – then
walked hastily up the street – –
He ascended the stairs slowly
– adjusted his tie – checked his nails
then he noticed the worn steps –
he remembered all the stories
he had heard about her about
the parties she had arranged –
everything that was said about all
the lovers that had frequented
this place – and who later became enemies

MM T 2770, fol. 53r

of her husband – was it true? –
he remembered
that someone recounted – how
the writer Haslund   was thrown
down the stairs – these very same
stairs – he was standing
outside the door – he held the doorbell rope
– Would she or the maid come [to the door] –
He rang – he heard footsteps
– it was the maid – He blushed
– I was just – is – Madame Heiberg 
at home    how strange it was to
utter her name – Did the
maid understand everything –

    Please come in – go into the parlour –
Madame will be right in –

    He stood in there in the dark
elegant room –

MM T 2770, fol. 53v

Heavy dark draperies – and enormous
plants in the windows and in the corners

    He looked at the soft low
armchairs – and the chaise longue – he
remembered it was said that she would
often spend the morning
stretched out on the chaise longue –

    Everything in there –
was so heavy
and dark and muffled –

    He saw himself in the large
mirror that reached all the way to
the floor – he was tan and
looked well he thought the light
in here was flattering –

    He sat down but stood
up again at once – he heard
footsteps – She entered had

MM T 2770, fol. 54r

her arms full of cats large and small
and cats up on her shoulder and
under her arm –

    Hello – Hello –

    Look at these adorable kittens she
sat down    aren’t they adorable
aren’t they sweet – she stroked
and patted them – He began to
pat them as well

    He felt awkward –
Did not know what
to say –

    She showed him around –
he walked by her side and admired
the things she showed him –

    She led him into her Husband’s
study –

    There was the desk
– where he sat and worked    everything
in order –

    He looked at everything – The pens that
were placed to the side – The accounting books – and the papers
everything so orderly –

MM T 2770, fol. 54v

    And there was a portrait of Madame Heiberg 
directly in front of where he sat

    he picked up a little object that
was placed directly in front of
the chair – it was a little doll
– He laughed – what is this

    Oh it is something I
made –

    Give it to me he said

    Oh no – you have no idea
how fond of it he is – he must have
it by his side –

    Brandt  became quiet
a bit dejected –
He loved her then – and she had
betrayed him –

    He had longed and pined
for this hour –
to be able to press her
lips into his – She stood beside him

    Now he was so self-conscious – he
was at a loss for words – when they were

MM T 2770, fol. 55r

near one another – he felt as though
she expected him to throw himself
around her neck – but he thought it was  … 

he felt cold –
It was that same shyness

    He longed to get
out in the fresh air – then perhaps the
awkwardness would disappear –

    Shall we go out he said

    I cannot

    Meet me this evening then he said

    Yes    on the Corner of Karl Johan  and Prinsens  street
And they said farewell –

    How oddly like strangers they
had behaved towards one another –

    He felt it was so distant
that evening he had kissed her